It’s been there a long time, a door. I knew that it was there and I felt its power.
Yet, I couldn’t find the doorknob. Couldn’t even see it.
That which is behind the door is important. It’s vital. I crave it. Yet, don’t know what looms behind it.
Progress, growth, maturity? I found the doorknob. Yet, fear overtakes me. Yearned for, but yet feared. Coveted, yet foreign.
Can I handle it? Though the old is awful, it is familiar.
Dare I risk? Apprehension, fear, taut stomach, set jaw. Moist eyes. Knot in throat. Whatever is behind the door must become.
The door’s ajar. Light. Excitement. Potential. Heart picks up its pace. Breathing becomes quick and shallow. Excitement, yet apprehension. I’ve never been this way before. Envied others. Yearned. Felt alone. Felt odd, awkward, and strange.
Yet, I suspect that I’m not strange. It would be a relief, a burden lifted, a band removed from my heart. Dare I give up the awfulness of security to risk newness? I must.
The door is on the heart of my being. That which was unknown, yet coveted, abides within. Potential for joy, happiness, fulfillment, play, expression, emotion, exhilaration.
Yet, deeply felt pain, tears, but those too, healthier expression.
Grab the knob! Pull open the door! Perhaps the light will initially blind, but my eyes will adjust to see new life.
Sure, be cautious. Fear a little. But, don’t fail to open the door.
If all the way is too much, test the water. Do it. Do it. Do it! Or, experience a bit of hell forever. Take heart, live, cry, go forward.
Risk! Pain, but reward. Fuller humanness. You CAN do it, and will.
-Richard L. Brewer
Written sometime in 1998