Morbidly, malignantly self-conscious. Condemned.
Who can rescue me from this body of death?!
I work so hard to keep others from knowing how terrible I really am.
And, I am fearful of others seeing me and condemning me.
Yet, I am so sure they know already and I am already damned.
I have standards that I do not understand.
I do not know where they came from.
I know some: but I am the one who is tormented by them.
Pain, grief, anxiety, sadness, guilt, shame…
And, the list could go on.
I condemn myself and am convinced that I am without value.
But, I try so hard and fall so short, and confused.
Others, I am sure, see the worst of me, which is all of me.
Those who treat me well and love me must be blind or delusional.
I am drawn to that which confirms my damning picture. Even to consider those things confirms I am without value and condemned.
Yet, I believe other things, too. I believe in God. I believe that God purchased my redemption.
Why do I have such turmoil?
My soul cries out.
My tears go unshed and build into mounds of oppression.
Yet, I keep up the smile lest I betray my darkness and let others see me.
I keep everyone from really knowing me, including myself.
Is there one who sees me objectively? God?
He must be embarrassed. He must want to thrash me. I sure do.
Yet, I hurt and I believe in Him, but it is not rock solid. It is like I depend on me vs. Him.
Oh, that it were rock solid. I could stand on the immovable.
I try to stand on myself, my perception of who I am.
That is only shifting sand and shadows. It does not work.
Oh, God, help me to experience you and know you more deeply.
Who you say you are; not what my morbid, malignant self-condemnation sees.
Lord, keep the thief from stealing, killing, and destroying. Protect what is yours.
And, help me to be your willing accomplice for good and healing.
Richard L. Brewer