Morbidly, malignantly self-conscious. Condemned.
Who can rescue me from this body of death?!
I work so hard to keep others from knowing how terrible I really am.
And, I am fearful of others seeing me and condemning me.
Yet, I am so sure they know already and I am already damned.
I have standards that I do not understand.
I do not know where they came from.
I know some: but I am the one who is tormented by them.
Pain, grief, anxiety, sadness, guilt, shame…
And, the list could go on.
I condemn myself and am convinced that I am without value.
But, I try so hard and fall so short, and confused.
Others, I am sure, see the worst of me, which is all of me.
Those who treat me well and love me must be blind or delusional.
I am drawn to that which confirms my damning picture. Even to consider those things confirms I am without value and condemned.
Yet, I believe other things, too. I believe in God. I believe that God purchased my redemption.
Why do I have such turmoil?
My soul cries out.
My tears go unshed and build into mounds of oppression.
Yet, I keep up the smile lest I betray my darkness and let others see me.
I keep everyone from really knowing me, including myself.
Is there one who sees me objectively? God?
He must be embarrassed. He must want to thrash me. I sure do.
Yet, I hurt and I believe in Him, but it is not rock solid. It is like I depend on me vs. Him.
Oh, that it were rock solid. I could stand on the immovable.
I try to stand on myself, my perception of who I am.
That is only shifting sand and shadows. It does not work.
Oh, God, help me to experience you and know you more deeply.
Who you say you are; not what my morbid, malignant self-condemnation sees.
Lord, keep the thief from stealing, killing, and destroying. Protect what is yours.
And, help me to be your willing accomplice for good and healing.
Richard L. Brewer
05/03/2020
Mediocre Meanderings 