What is shyness?

“Shyness is a psychological reaction that a surprisingly large number of people experience when they imagine others are evaluating them—and they assume the worst. At the core of shyness is a fear of being rejected, not being worthy of being liked or loved.” http://people.com/archive/psychologist-philip-zimbardo-leads-shy-people-out-of-the-world-of-wallflowers-vol-7-no-25/

The Oxford English Dictionary reports the world’s earliest recorded use of the term shyness was in an Anglo Saxon poem written around 1000 A.D. Then, it meant “easily frightened.” Webster’s currently defines shyness as “uncomfortable in the presence of others.” http://conversation-skills-core.com/what-is-shyness/

“According to developmental psychologist Jerome Kagan, Ph.D., and colleagues at Harvard University, up to a third of shy adults were born with a temperament that inclined them to it. The team has been able to identify shyness in young infants before environmental conditions make an impact.” https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199511/the-cost-shyness

Shyness

I have seen tee-shirts–“I am a Princess”, and, “I am a Prince”. “Her highness.” Or, “His highness.”

I was “his shyness”.

Uncomfortable, easily frightened, blushing. Ears and face red: fiery hot.
Butterflies, rapid pulse, looking for a hiding place. Needing a restroom.

Fearing rejection, wanting to crawl into a hole. But, none to be found.
Holes created by avoidance and refusal. Not for lack of want, but fear.

Fear, of being unwanted. Fear of disapproval and rejection.
Hidden so well that others did not see or know. Awful. Painful.

Research suggests genes. Curses! Like standing on stage, spot lights blazing.
Wanting to escape and nowhere to hide. Oh, the discomfort inherited.

My dad was shy. My son was shy. My grandson is shy. Genes.
Over-come-able; with risk and determination. By exposure, like flooding.

A kind of psychological waterboarding. Awful, yet necessary.
Thankfully over-come-able, leaving vestiges of sensitivity that grow grace.
Richard L. Brewer

02/05/2018

 

My dad worked for Anaconda Wire and Cable Company when I was a young boy. The company gave great gifts at Christmas time. You can see the stockings and boxes of toys. It was a great time!! There was a tree and Santa Claus. What a marvelous photo opportunity. Line the kiddos up and take a picture; unless you are shy and refuse to pose. No matter the encouragement, I refused. I remember the occasion vividly. I wanted to pose, but was afraid to pose. I did not know why. But, the aversion to pose was so powerful. The aversion won. I stood and watched, relieved not to have to be photographed. Aching because I was not photographed. Utterly confused. At the time, I had no words for what I was feeling, what caused my avoidance. I do now. Thankfully, I have grown since.

You can see that my two brothers (the one on the left and the short one in front) and three cousins were willing to stand and be shot. I refused to pose. It was as though I would be literally shot. Anxiety was the culprit. The non-related boy on the right stepped in. But, it was me who should have been in the picture. In his writings, Phillip Zimbardo referred to my condition as “The social disease called shyness.” He pegged it well. But, it was not until I was in college that it was defined for me. He suggested that the shy person feels like he/she is on-stage under the spot lights: highlighted in view of the entire audience, but not willingly so. Yep, I was one of those persons. Nice to have it identified. Nice that time has allowed for growth and healing. Enough for now. I will share more in my next blog. Stay posed and wait to see what develops.

Oh, the tragedy of failing to reach one’s potential. It is so easy to neglect that which has the capacity to grow the mustard seed. Consider 1 Corinthians 12: 18: “But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be” (ESV). I am convinced one of our greatest callings is to discover who it is God created us to be and to discover what it is He has created us to do. To discover, water and nourish who He has created us to be is to foster His intention for the tender shoot. Oh, to be like Paul who said in 1 Corinthians 15:10, “But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain”, (ESV).

THE TENDER SHOOT

Protective, haunting fear,
Arresting growth,
Preventing potential.

The ache that gnaws
Builds personas
That conceal me.

Like a tender shoot,
In rocky crags
I am.

Who cares?!
I am nothing!
My ever-present fear.

Will I grow?
Can I grow?
I think not.

So, I inhibit
The tender shoot
And, it withers.

-Richard Brewer
February 29, 1996

The F-bomb

The first time I heard the F-bomb was during recess, on the playground, in early primary school. The tone used indicated someone was angry, irritated, fed-up, or otherwise agitated. I had never heard it at home and I had no clue as to its potency. I did not have any stretch of imagination as to the danger involved in using it. So, when the occasion arose, I used it without hesitation.

I vividly remember the first time I used the F-bomb. It was in the kitchen. Mom was cooking “supper” at the stove. I was sitting at the table. My younger brother, Steve, persisted at annoying me—or so I remember. Having exceeded my capacity for tolerance, I used the F-bomb. F-you, I told him. Wow, the energy it provoked in my mother! She whirled around and asked, “What did you just say?” Not knowing it had potential for punishment, I repeated the word. That was not a good idea.

Mom proceeded to tell me, in no uncertain terms, and in a very convincing tone, “I better never hear you say that word again or I will wash your mouth out with soap.” I was shocked, flabbergasted, and felt threatened by her energy and promise of punishment should she ever hear me say that word. I knew, for whatever reason, that the word could never be uttered within earshot of my mother ever again.

Remember, I had only heard the word on the playground. So, I did not know it would evoke such a negative emotional reaction. Being ignorant of the meaning of the word, I innocently (stupidly) asked: “What does it mean”? My mother, without a hint of hesitation and with energy that was puzzling and convincingly threatening, stated: “It does not mean anything, but don’t you ever let me hear you say the word again!” Talk about being puzzled. The word did not mean anything, yet I was not to use it or there would be a sure and fast punishment. I certainly did not relish the thought of my mouth being cleansed by a bar of soap.

I was at a loss. I had no clue as to the meaning of the word. I knew I could not ask my mother because she surely did not know. Her reaction was so strong that I did not feel like I could ask my father. If it was not a word, then I surely could not look it up in the dictionary. Because of the energy it evoked in my mother, I could not ask a teacher. So as not to be embarrassed by my ignorance, I could not ask the people who used the word. I was shaken to my very core. I had used a word that did not mean anything. But, it raised my mother’s energy level to the point of a promised mouth-washing if she ever heard me say it again.

I heard the word often. I knew it was a word I could not use. I did not ask anyone what it meant. But, I continued to be intrigued that people would use the word when angry, even though it did not mean anything. It was in junior high, years later, that the meaning of the word was revealed to me. Whew! Shock and puzzlement, an element of relief, and a bit of a sense of betrayal. I bet my mother had known the meaning all along.

In the physical world: if we do not eat, we will get hungry. In the spiritual world: if we do not eat, we lose our appetite. Quite an interesting comparison. Eat too much physical food and we run the risk of obesity. Dine on God’s word and never run the risk of spiritual obesity. We need to eat on His word. Consider the following verses:

“Like newborn infants, long for the pure spiritual milk, that by it you may grow up into salvation if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good” (1 Peter: 2,3, ESV).

“All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God [woman] may be complete, equipped for every good work”, (2 Timothy 3: 16-17, ESV).

“Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth”, (2 Timothy 2:15, ESV).

God’s Buffet

What is it like to enjoy God?
To feast on his vast buffet?
Hot foods, cold foods,
Finger foods, biscuits.

Succulence!
Enjoyment!
Nutrition.
All you care to eat.

Spiritual nutrition,
Nourishing the soul.
Eating spiritual food,
Never to become obese.

Man’s Buffet

Sadly, the appetite changes.
Ravenous hunger for what cannot sate.
Starving spiritually,
Self-indulgence fills the plate.

Meat for the belly
Belly for the meat.
Nothing else matters
But the next sweet treat.

God for the man
Man forms the God
Nothing else matters
But the path I trod.

Me for life
Life for me.
Nothing else matters
But who I choose to be.

Get what I can
Can what I get
Nothing else matters
And the rest forget.

 

Richard L. Brewer

 

 

I grew up the middle-child of three boys. As my memory conveniently (selectively and fallibly) serves me, I “remember” wearing hand-me-down clothes. My older brother received new clothes, and I got his hand-me-downs. I wore them out. My younger brother received new. I am confident my memory is grossly distorted. But, we middle children are prone to believe we have been slighted, sorely neglected, and caught in between the other more loved and favored children. Yep, we can be whiners. Anyway…

Years ago, I worked with two children, a brother and sister, who had been removed from their home because of neglect and physical abuse. The parents did not want them back: the parents were more than okay with the prospect of termination of their parental rights. They eagerly agreed to give their children up for adoption. I heard heart-breaking details of their experiences. When asked about any good or enjoyable experiences, their only reply was, “Sometimes we got chewing gum”. They added, “after mom and dad chewed the flavor out”. That was all they could recount as to good memories. Sad, dreadful, grievous. But, nonetheless, their reality. Though unthinkable for most, to those two youngsters, it was an enjoyable treat.

Considering hand-me-down clothes and already-been-chewed gum, my question: “How much of what you know of the Bible and God is “hand-me-down” or “already-been-chewed”? What have you acquired that is fresh and new by your own efforts and investment? How much have you personally chewed? Have you been wearing what someone else has passed down; are you chewing what has already-been-chewed by someone else? How much of your faith is “hand-me-down” and “already-been-chewed”?

More to follow on the next blog.

“When Joshua heard the noise of the people as they shouted, he said to Moses, “There is a noise of war in the camp.” But he said, “It is not the sound of shouting for victory, or the sound of the cry of defeat, but the sound of singing that I hear.” And as soon as he came near the camp and saw the calf and the dancing,” (Exodus 32: 17-19a, ESV).

I recommend you read the entire 32nd chapter of Exodus for background. The people of Israel were unhappy because Moses “delayed” in coming down from Mt. Sinai. They implored Aaron to make them an idol, and so he did. Amazing on one hand, considering all they had witnessed of God’s delivery and provision. Yet, not hard to comprehend because we are all prone to be dismayed and to desire something more physically tangible. I wonder how many of our own golden calves we have created: idols that are pagan attempts to see and possess what only God can provide us.

I have sat in many a “worship” service. I have found myself enthralled in what I believed was holy and God-honoring. I have found myself troubled at other times. Who or what was the focus of the “worship”? My questioning stimulated the following poem. It might be disturbing or even offensive to some. Perhaps it may also cause each of us to do some honest reflection regarding the focus of our “worship”.

Orgasmic Religion

Ranting, chanting, waving, wailing.
Bumping, grinding, moaning, amen-ing.
Gyrations of modernity?
Reminiscences of antiquity?
Sorting out straw from chaff.
Disconcerting chore!
Intellect abandoned?
Reason lapses, emotions explode.
Otherworldly striving?
Dangerous endeavors?
Genuine pilgrimages?
Tantalizing titillations?
Perceptions?
Deceptions?
Embryonic beginnings?
Or, simply orgasmic religion…
Without conception.
Fornicating,
Without union.

Richard L. Brewer
10.06.10

Save me from spiritual pornography and spiritual masturbation. I want union with the Almighty.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I pondered the blog about Balaam’s ass. It was God’s donkey, and Balaam was the ass. It was God’s donkey who deemed Balaam an ass. My conclusion: It is truly amazing what God can do, and who He can use, to ensure His will is accomplished. I heard about a lady (Bertha Smith, as I recall) who listened to a young pastor brag about how good and effective he was as God’s servant. When he paused from his gloating, she simply and powerfully stated, “It is amazing what God can do when you consider what He has to work with.” My conclusion: if God can use an ass to speak truth to Balaam, He can even use me. Maybe you, too. We are, at best, vessels; God is the power.

On the Range

Pasty beans.
Gritty coffee.
Dust storms.
Coyote howls.
River crossings.
Finding strays.
Thankless labor.
I think not.
Jesus herds.
So ought we.

Richard L. Brewer
10/06/2009

Cowpokin’ Fun

Ropin’ doggies.
Spittin’ tobaccer.

Scratchin’ bites.
Eatin’ dust.

Meanin’ of life
Is so robust.

Smellin’ odors:
Sweat, leather, manure.

Seepin’ through ‘stache
Stench is pure.

Punchin’ cattle,
Fun fer sure.

Richard L. Brewer
10/05/2009

 

 

 

Once again, I found myself engaged in imagination. No, Jesus was not a cowboy. But, I am confident He did not look like most pictures portray Him. He was not a Fabio type. He was “a man who learned obedience through suffering”, Hebrews: 5:8 and “A man of sorrows acquainted with grief”, Isaiah 53:3. Why? Because of His assigned role from before the creation of the world: to become the redeemer for us who had been separated from God. He became sin for us. He went out into, and got dirty as he walked in, the cesspool of the world so to rescue those in the cesspool. I am one of those. You are, too. No one is exempt from the cesspool. He came to redeem. If he draws, John 6: 44, 65, respond. He got down and dirty to seek and save those who are lost. That means everyone. Anyway, my imagination created the following:

Superb Cowboy

 

Boulders, Cacti, Sand, Dust.

Cow patties. Bellows. Snorted mucus.

Chaps. Boots. One hat.

Simple meals of beans and hash.

No nice place to lay my head.

Roundin’ up cattle.

Tamin’ doggies.

Bringin’ in the herd.

Kinda like Jesus.

But, His charges were sheep.

He, too, dealt with the dung, baas, and snot.

His meals were simple.

He shared with others and had bounty.

He rounded up errant sheep.

He brought in the flock.

He said foxes have holes.

And the birds have nests.

But, the Son of man had nowhere to lay His head.

No fancy dwellings, but the harshness of life.

Jesus would have made a superb cowboy!

 

Richard L. Brewer 02/27/2013