Preoccupied with buts

But can undo and but can do.
One erases the other embraces.
I can tell my story and dismiss it all.
I can tell my story and envision a call.
Such as: “I am sorry but…” and I excuse all I did.
Or, any other such erasure.

Quite the skill of undoing.

Oh, to embrace the better but.
“I am sorry but I will apologize and change.”
Or, “I was wrong, but I choose to learn and grow.”

It is all in the use of the but.

I can be preoccupied with buts, as is true for many people I have known.
I can sit on my but.
Or, I can get off my but and use a better but.
The but to do better versus the but to excuse.
The but to embrace rather than the but to erase.

I want to be preoccupied with the better buts.

11/08/2018
Richard L. Brewer

 

Many will recognize the following quote by a famous philosopher: “Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try”. The depth of the truth that is communicated may not be immediately obvious. But, the truth is compelling. As it states, we either do or we do not do. When we do, we are not guaranteed success. Failure is a part of doing. If we do not, we are guaranteed to fail. Thus, failure is the result of not doing. “Trying” might entail expenditure of energy that consumes time but is only that, a consumer of time, a going through the motions; looking busy; self-fulfilling old scripts. To be fair, “trying” can be honestly attempting to “do”, experimenting without a keen sense of direction. In the last case, it is really “doing”. Doing is honorable. We learn by doing, success or not. Failure is information.

Thomas Edison, in one of his famous quotes stated: “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” What a great attitude. Persistence, even though there is no immediate success builds patience, endurance, and character. Success is not immediate. Success is the outcome of preparation and hard work. Success is the result of doing.

Success does not necessarily mean “perfect”. I am convinced that Thomas Edison would be both surprised and not surprised by the developments in lightbulbs. “Perfect” may  better be seen as an accomplishment on a path to further accomplishments. That need not be discouraging but encouraging. There can be more. It has been suggested that practice does not make perfect, but it does make permanent. It can be built upon. How refreshing! There is the possibility of more.

I enjoyed westerns and still do. On occasion, someone would be tied to a rope and pulled behind a horse. Brutal. What a horrible punishment. I was amazed that anyone could survive such treatment. Amazed, too, that their clothes were not shredded. But, that is Hollywood.

We get dragged by a rope behind the horses of our past. That may be what has happened to us or was perpetrated against us. Or, it may be what we have done or not done, that we continue to torture ourselves for. We subject ourselves to brutal punishment. I am amazed that we survive such treatment. But, we do. I have been dragged and known others who were dragged. Not Hollywood: real life.

The big difference between the two images: In the westerns the victim has a rope tied around his/her wrists (I don’t remember a female being so tortured, but it could happen) and the other end tied around the saddle horn. In regard to being tied to the rope of ones’ past: One end is tied to the saddle horn. The other end? Well, we hang onto it. We need to let go.

What is your rope? What have you suffered and continue to suffer as a result of being dragged behind the punishing past? Healing and hope are possible. But, you have to let go of the rope.

 

What is normal? Normal is normal for whom or what? My normal may not be (is not) another’s normal. I know people who have lived what they believed, embraced, and experienced as normal. The shock they experienced when they realized they had not lived anything near a healthy normal. Their anger, confusion, grief, consternation, sense of betrayal, tremendous sense of doubt, questioning, and despair has been immense. Their “I thought, and I was wrong!” is nearly palpable. Their journey is one from a lie to truth. And, truth is suspect because of their having lived with what they so long believed was truth. So, what is a lie and what is truth? It is an easier question to ask than to answer. So, the journey is a difficult one. The journey starts with the acknowledgement and acceptance that what was normal is not working. As Frost cited in in his poem: they come to a fork in the road and must determine which one to take. The one chosen will make all the difference in the world for them.

Their journey to a healthier normal is fraught with difficulty. They must acknowledge the pathology and damage of what was normal and strive to discover a “new normal”. Not an easy task. Who can they trust? Everyone and everything are suspect. They arrive at my office and only know they feel misery and desperation. I have a title that supposedly qualifies me to be a helper. They take a great risk by coming to see me and by sharing their story. It is imperative that I accept them unconditionally, enter their subjective experience as much as I am able, while maintaining as much objectivity as I am able, and assist them in finding their new normal, not mine. I must not impose my normal upon them. I am not in the business of making clones, but in helping them discover who they were created to be and what they were created to do. Even that assumption is reflective of my normal. I must be careful, caring, and diligent. As it were, I must take off my psychological sandals, for I am standing on holy ground—the very life of another human being.

 

“Don’t you know that the runners in a stadium all race, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way to win the prize” (1 Corinthians 9:24, CSB).

I am not sure about anyone else, but a cursory read of the above verse is neither encouraging nor very challenging. I have never been a runner. If I had been a runner, I know I would have likely been beaten. So, why run? A bit, if not a lot, disheartening. I like the following verse much better.

“And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us” (Hebrews 12:1, CSB). If I must run, or choose to run, perseverance is more realistic to me. I would rather do my best and be recognized than to end up as only “an also ran”. I rather like what Jesus shared in a parable: “His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You were faithful over a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Share your master’s joy’” (Matthew 25:23, CSB). I may never be the best or the fastest, but I can be faithful.

I vividly remember an experience (circa 1978) wherein I was telling my father how deficient I felt as a Christian. He comforted me by sharing the following verse: “Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful” (1 Corinthians 4:2, NIV). My dad followed by telling that the verse said to be faithful, not perfect, not like anyone else; but to do the most honest, ethical, and conscientious job I could do. What a relief. I never ran track. I am sure that if I had that he would have encouraged me to be faithful and it was okay if I did not win first place.

My son ran track in high school one year. I went to watch and support. You will know, if you have been to a track meet, that the events are not necessarily rousing. And, with the exceptions of relays, the events feature individuals. I waited for my son to compete and was thoroughly impressed by a young man who was running what I believe was the mile event. I remember it consisted of four laps. The young man was not fast. He could have been called slow or even very slow. He was lapped by everyone at least once and twice by one or two runners. He did not give up. He persevered. Impressive!!!! As he crossed the finish line, far behind all the others, the crowd stood, roared, and gave him a round of applause. I got chill bumps. He did the best he could. He had shown up. He had practiced. He ran and was beaten by all the other runners. But, he did not give up. I think he also won a prize. He was a winner. He was faithful. What a great example!

 

My friend ended his email: “But in more specific areas, such as “Let your mind be that of Christ Jesus,” how do we ever have a mind like His? Friend, don’t feel a compulsion even to respond, for as I said, the act of getting this off my chest, though I have some awareness of the answers, is energizing.”

Yes, energizing, but daunting. Engaging in the struggle to know and understand God is not an academic pursuit. The task, for me, has been daunting, humbling, energizing, discouraging, etc. Suffering was an inevitable part of Christ’s life. Through it, He learned obedience. Why should my life be trouble-free?

Jesus surrendered himself to the ultimate of daunting tasks. Paul describes it in a nutshell: “So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross”, Philippians 2:1-8.

There we have it. It is not about us. But, it is for Christ and for us. Be energized my friend. I am blessed to have been able to share some of the journey with you! Love you!

 

Suffering is inevitable. Some is the result of one’s own doing as illustrated by Adam and Eve. We find others who likewise suffered due to their own decisions: Cain, Samson, David, and the list could go on. We find some who suffered because of what others had done: One of the greatest examples is Job. He suffered because he was cited by God as one who was upright in all his ways. Some suffered because of what others did by way of sinning against God. I think of Ezra, Nehemiah, etc. Some suffered as the result of God allowing or deeming it. Paul is a great example. Things have not changed. Suffering is still the result of all the causes cited above. Suffering started in the perfect setting. And, all suffering is redeemable. Joseph told his brothers that what they had meant for evil God meant for good. Job stated that at one time his ears had heard of God and “now my eye sees You”. David responded to his suffering (some as the result of what he had done and some as the result of what others had done) and was described as a man after God’s own heart.

The purpose of suffering? Ultimately, it would seem to be that we would know and rely upon God. Paul talked about his thorn in the flesh: “Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong”, 2 Corinthians 12: 8-10, ESV. Wow! To be of like-mindedness with Paul.

Jesus, as He was praying for Himself and his disciples in John 17:3, and then all future believers, said the following: “And this is eternal life, that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent” (ESV). I have experienced some suffering in my life. Some has been the result of my own doing, some perpetrated by others, and perhaps some to conform me to His image. After cancer, the death of my son, and the ending of a second marriage; all within a span of two-and-a-half years, I determined to ask three questions: “Who do I turn to? What can I learn? How can I use it?” Those three questions have become increasingly important to me. I want to know God. The word know, as used by Jesus in the prayer, is the Greek word that means “to know by experience”. That is what I want. I do not relish suffering. But, it simply is a fact, a result of living in a “fallen world”. God made the first blood sacrifice in Eden after the sins of Adam and Eve. He made the last, and ultimate blood sacrifice on the cross of Calvary. I am covered by that blood.

 

3 John 4: “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth” ESV.

My friend continued: “Then one more step: What about spiritual health? The lagging of graciousness, the fighting with doubt, and on and on the list goes? Brother, I suppose I’m writing this out of a need to articulate it more than out of a need for your wisdom, though that would be much appreciated too. I know all or a good many of the responses to my questions: it’s a fallen world so we will experience fallenness in all these areas, the Good Lord is upping our desire for His perfect kingdom, etc. “.

I am not inclined go believe that spiritual health equates to psychological or mental health. I believe that have psychological disturbance might just foster spiritual health in ways that nothing else does. Consider some of the examples of biblical characters. Hannah ached for a child. Job suffered the loss of most everything he had. Daniel was removed from his country and may have been made a eunuch. Hosea was instructed to marry a prostitute and languished over her infidelities. Joseph was sold, falsely accused, and imprisoned. Esther was a showpiece. John the Baptist was thrown into prison and was eventually executed. He questioned the very one he baptized. He held the Son, saw the Holy Spirit, and heard the voice of The Father. Stephen was stoned. Paul suffered. Paul asked for the “thorn” to be removed. It was not, and he grew to appreciate the thorn because it led him to rely more fully upon Christ.

Suffering has its place. We tend to want to avoid it.

Adam and Eve were created by God and given the perfect environment. We read in Genesis 1: 26-28, “Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth” (ESV).

It was not until God had created Adam and Eve that He declared “very good”. “And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good”, (Genesis 1:31, ESV). Adam and Eve were created in His image and it was very good. Imagine what it must have been like. They bore the image of God. They were given dominion over the seas, heavens, and earth. They were in relationship with God without interference. Everything was in perfect working condition. They had capacity for emotions. Let me suggest that Adam and Eve were created “fully human”. The fall took that “fully” human away from them, the lost it as the result of succumbing to temptation.

You may have said, (as have I) that you wished you could be less human. Let me suggest that is backwards. Oh to be more fully human because that was the way humankind was created. Full humanness was lost as the result of succumbing to temptation and sinning. And when full humanness was lost, Adam and Eve suffered their first spiritual/psychological illness. They realized they were naked and they were ashamed. They tried to make adequate coverings for their nakedness. They hid from God. Or, so they thought. “And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man and said to him, “Where are you?” And he said, “I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself” (Genesis 3: 8-10, ESV).

Why did God call out to Adam? It was not because God needed to know where he and Eve were. It was because Adam and Eve needed to know where they were. God’s performed the first blood sacrifice to make garments to cover Adam and Eve. “And the Lord God made for Adam and for his wife garments of skins and clothed them” (Genesis 3:21).

More about shame to come.

 

 

Back to psychological suffering. What is the difference between psychological and spiritual? Can one be psychologically healthy and spiritually heathy? Can one be spiritually healthy and psychologically unhealthy? Does healthiness in one area necessitate healthiness in the other? I remember being challenged with those questions in psychology classes while in graduate school at Wheaton College. I am still pondering those questions.

Let me borrow from: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/mariana-caplan-phd/spirituality-and-psychology_b_941242.html

“Ultimately, psychology and spirituality do not need to be distinct, but it can be helpful to make distinctions between them in order to understand the primary function of each in relation to the other. We can then discover how these approaches complement and support one another, together forming a more complete approach to human understanding than either one alone can provide.”

I include the web citations for a place to start. I neither fully embrace, nor disagree with the quote. Like a recipe, fuse the ingredients and you get something more/different/other than the sum of the parts, Food for thought as I venture into my discussions.